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Sunday, March 17th, 2002

Subject:Dog Show
Time:1:27 pm.
I'm still in Toronto and my aunt took the dogs out to the park. I didn't feel like going this time, we went yesturday and its cold and since I'm sick.. yah. Excuses. My aunt loves her dogs, they are like her children. There are two of them, they are big and black and twice as licky as my dog. Drives me nuts but they are cute. I went to an HMV yesturday but all the DVDs I wanted weren't there so that sucked. We are going to go to another one today and to the movies to see either "Lord of the Rings" or "Harry Potter" I have seen them both so I'm letting her decide. Lastnight we watched "Zoolander" not as funny as I hoped it would be but I got a few giggles in. It sure isn't "Rat Race". I want to buy that and I think if I can't find anything else at HMV I'll just buy that. I wanted to get "Neverending Story 2", "Karate Kid", "Back to the Future" and I forgot what else I wanted I had a list of 18 but I couldn't remember a thing in the store. Even "Sgt. Bilko" I talked about that at lunch but forgot about it in the store. Hopefully I remember today. When I got here Friday and we were driving to supper I saw some great shops with some really nice dresses in them. I hate seeing things I want. I am now determined to get a job because my parents are also on strike so I doubt we will barely even get enough food. Maybe if my brother paid for his own damn food we would have more because he eats more than he should for doing nothing around the house. Ahhhh I feel so bad for my parents.. what are we going to do?
The bus ride SUCKED, I mean it was okay until we hit BlueMountain and all these kids were going home from their March Break. All snowboarders and mostly girls and the guys that there was.. none hot.. yeesh. Can I ever get a break? I got my pictures back and kept looking at the one of me and Alex, he may be a bad kisser trying to get laid but he was sure sweet. Is that even possible? If you go out with a guy and the two of you kiss long enough it will get better. I hope I see him again sometime this week, I think he said he had two weeks off and to which I told him I hated him. Could be, that was at the rave. Anyway if I see him I'm going to show it to him. And the one of Matt to Matt, its an excuse to talk to him. Right now I feel .. I can't spell. But I mean I don't like anyone really alot right now. So it doesn't bother me about Matt and now when I think about my birthday I don't get all.. depressed, I just smile. Good times... oh were they ever good times.
Getting home will be cool, I have alot of project lines in my mail that I get to play around with even though school has started again and I might not be able to do some of it. Lastnight I had the weirdest dream.. or should I say dreams. The first one I don't remember much but I remember Ryan MacDonald getting hit by a car and I freaked, ran out to him and was hugging him and telling him it would be alright. He didn't know it was me for along time and then he was like "Jessica". We had to drive him up to the hospital, he had a really sweet car but I couldn't get him to say he gave me permission to drive it, so I did anyway. And I drove really well, usually in my dreams I'm all over the place. Now if only my driving in real life could improve. The next dream kind of changed but kept continuing. My brother showed everyone my dairy. There was stuff about Matt and so on... then it turned into some kid of trail where I liked Brady or whatever.. I dunno... and then I turned it against Khyle. I told Kristian (his gf) about the time he cheated on her, he never has in real life so I don't know where that came from and then she got all upset and it took the attention away from me. Then there was something about a stone we had to find and my brother and Tyler (his friend because there is a Tyler I might talk about) were going after it but I knew where it was and it was mine so it would always come back to me anyway... and then.. oh man I'll just forget about it.
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Tuesday, March 5th, 2002

Subject:I am no longer a person
Time:5:20 pm.
Mood: stressed.
I am an object used for destruction. The point is I'm used and I'm used by more than just people I think are my friends. My parents use me to and they use me to hurt each other. I don't even know if they really care.. it sad. I love them both but I don't know if I can trust them anymore. I'm sick of being used!! I also say I'm not longer a person because nobody cares about my feelings, so if they don't care about them and take them into consideration that leaves me pretty much a big fat nothing. Today was a snow day and of course I didn't want it to be because of my appointment, I went in anyway but notice how nothing ever goes my way? Thursday will also probably be a snow day because I have another appointment and I don't want it to be one. After my appointment today we bought me some new shoes to work out in and then went swimming. My dad said we could get Wendys but I figured why eat trash food and thought that he might spring for a new DVD but oh no he didn't. So as stupid as that is I was kinda sore but I think I was also tired from the day. But my mom gets on my case about me moving to London if I had the chance. I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, I probably brought everything on to myself. Tomorrow I'm going to get my homework done in the library it seems to make Candace shut-up. She paged me today just to laugh at me because she thought I had to go to school. Who the fuck does that? Holy shit. So anyway lunch I'll do my homework then I'm walking down town and signing up for the Womens Health and Fitness center and start working out, maybe before I'll shop around or after, I dunno. My life is going to change and I'm starting with me, my body and my eating habits. No more crap and no more hating my body. I'll get a flat stomach and nice thighs. And once I've done that I'll work on my face and hair and so on. Also I'll working on doing my school work but its so hard when there are so many other things that I like to do and when I do school work my mind wanders to less pleasent things.
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Saturday, March 2nd, 2002

Subject:Ow my back.
Time:9:35 pm.
Mood: sore.
So about two weeks ago my back started hurting so I went to see someone about it. And it turns out I have a slight bend in my spine and my neck. After she was talking about fixing it I felt really sick, got really white and shakey and almost puked. Nice, I was so embarrased I even started to cry. I didn't know I would have that big of a problem with my back and posture. Lastnight was fun but.. omg I think I'm actually starting to like Tyler again. It was nice to talk to him and see him and so on. He has the cutest laugh. Ugh I don't want to like him... maybe I should just not talk to him but I want to help him to stop being so.. assholish. To top the night off I was told Kent was only coming to the coffee house to see me, awwww and he even called Mals house. LOL sweet. My dad got the interview.. which means I have to tell Matt. Nervous.. but I will.. I need to promise myself that. At the rave I will unless I convince Tyler to come, which he won't. I've decided that I need to start working out so I'm going to do exercise classes and such when I'm not going to get treatment for my back. I bought the A Clockwork Orange book today, which reminds me I'm going to try and find a site that has word meanings so I can understand it because its so horrorshow. LOL thats an expression he uses alot. I carried the VCR into my room so I can watch movies in the comfort of my bed. Tomorrow I'm going to go swimming with my dad then buy new shoes and make him feel sorry for me and hopefully get him to buy me a DVD. LOL.
Oh and always remember, joking around with Jeff at the coffee house. "Oh I'm sorry, I'm not in grade 8".
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Tuesday, February 19th, 2002

Subject:Have I lost my mind?
Time:7:05 pm.
Mood: calm.
Okay so I was suppose to do my video project today but because little baby Khyle was sick he was given the car and didn't get out of the Dr. office until like 5:30 so it was to late to do anything. Dumb luck!!!! I was pissed, though my mom said sorry it was a stupid mistake.. thats just the problem she wasn't think about me at all, she never listens to me because she was all like "I didn't know you would be filming it outside" which is she listened to me she would have known that because I said "we are doing this one scene at the Kemble arena". I'm just not as important to her. Khyle is not that sick he didn't need to go to the doctor that day. Gggggrrrrrr oh well, we are going to try and do it for Thursday.
So I played some Area 51 again today, I didn't have as much money only 3 games worth but I got just as far with it and got the 8th spot out of 10 my goal is to be in the top 5 and trust me I will. Its like the time I rented Tetris for Gameboy I got a high score and my brother beat it so I played forever to get a score to beat his and did and he couldn't beat that one. *evil laugh*
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Monday, February 18th, 2002

Subject:If I ripped my hair out everytime I got mad..
Time:7:08 pm.
Mood: annoyed.
I'd be bald. Yup yup, I feel so annoyed lately, like I want to punch everyone in the face. Except Lindsay, Mal and Jess. You would think Lindsay bugs me but since I stopped reading her diary and I only see her in last class it doesn't bug me. Candace, my parents and other people just get on my nerves. My brother doesn't well only the fact he had to "talk" to Devon on Saturday bugged me besides thats we are doing really well lately. Well my Gameboy is still missing but I know he'll pay if he doesn't find it.
So anyway I thought I would write about some funny stuff that happened on Saturday so I can look back and read it (along with all the millions of spelling mistakes I made). So my brother, Lauren Lemon, Sean and Kristan all went out to Ryans party. Jess and everyone were already out there plus alot of other people I knew and didn't.
#1 to remember: sitting around with Rob, Phil and Rick talking about Ryan. I say "Only pervs seem to be attracted to me" Phil replies "then I must be a perv" what a cutie. Made me feel good about myself, that and Linda said I was beautiful when I told her I thought she was. We kinda fought over it.
#2 to remember: Tyler (Jess' bf) said out of nowhere but jokingly "Ah, guess what now you have to take of your shirt" Me: "what?" Tyler: "Yes thats the way it is sorry, take it off." Plus he remember how we took all the water bottles at a rave and filled them up for ourselves.
I think thats about it, there are alot more things like I saw Matt look at me and we also had some small talk, Devon talked to me. Tyler wants me and Devo to be together so does Jess, my brother approves and Lauren Lemon thinks it would be cool. I might as well not fight it, I mean if he asks me to go out sometime I will say yes. I like Matt but I can't wait forever for nothing. I was really sick at the party, but I still survived the night didn't seem like I would. I still had an okay time though, I mean I talked to alot of people and met some new people and such. People are always cool!!
School sucked today, well besides me getting 10 out of 10 on my presentation. I hope I do well on the written part. I don't understand how people can't like Mr. Moss he just wants you to learn and pay attention and he really doesn't yell he asks. Well I haven't seen him yell yet but I'm pretty sure he would only do it if the person really deserved it. Plus I did all my easy math work and at lunch went to the bowling alley to play "Area 51" a shooting game. I got a 33 streak of killing aliens in a row, I rule no doubt. Plus I got onto the top ten scores, number nine but my name is still there so YAH!!! And to top that off Devon and everyone walked in when I was playing and I got a big "Hi" which was totally cool. If only I was with someone who would play the game with me not laugh at me.. fake laugh even. Meh, people are dumb what can you do?
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Saturday, February 16th, 2002

Subject:Do what you will...
Time:3:09 pm.
Mood: annoyed.
Yesturday I finally got to go shopping, I bought a pair of grey jeans and a dark blue jean skirt. There were no shirts I liked, everything is covered with stupid words like "Princess" and "Angel" those are good for some people but not me. And I guess frills are in or something because the shirts that didn't have dumb words one them were covered with big ugly frilly frills. I also bought two magazines because I need to find an ad with a stereotype in it, no luck yet. I want to buy this Lord of the Rings movie books, its half off so I'm going to get it tomorrow. It will be about $20 with tax.. and maybe I'll buy a DVD or something. I doubt I'll be going out tonight because ... well its me. Candace came over yesturday and went shopping with me... I wanted to smack her. I got glasses, they are really mild to help me see the board a little better. I can see it, I can read of it but the words are a tad blurry but she kept calling me four eyes over and over again even before I had the glasses. It was really annoying, fine say it once HAHA but like a million? Hmm plus that line is from the ice age and noone uses it anymore. *sigh* After school on Friday we went over to the bowling alley because her little brother was having his birthday there and we had to make an appearence before we could go to the mall. I sat there and then saw Geoff and Greg and then they left but finally her family arrived. I was getting bored because I didn't want to bowl so I got some quarters and went to play Area 51 (some shooting game) I got to the next level and was waiting for it to load and I turned around and Devon and ... can't spell name.. well his lastname I'm not sure what his first is were standing there. So I said hi then watched them play pool for a bit. Then finally we could go to the mall so I stood outside waiting for Candace's dad and her to get her shit from the truck and Matt pulls in and he actually waved over at me.. I hate him for it. It confuses me, well at least I know he'll be friends which is good. Though I don't know if I could just be his friend. Which is why I was hoping to go out to this party tonight but I don't have a ride home, so I'm hoping my brother wants to go so then I can too.
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Sunday, February 10th, 2002

Subject:No dog he ain't here for the food.
Time:4:35 pm.
Mood: melancholy.
Gah what a weekend. It sucked. I was suppose to go drinking with Jess Saturday now I did get ahold of her which is rare indeed but then I couldn't get a ride home and at first she was like "well you won't miss much we are just playing poker at Tylers" then my dad said he would pick me up at 1:00 and suddenly they were going to Williamsford so I wasn't going to get my dad to drive there so I just said forget it and that was it. She didn't even try anything, normally she would have been like "stay at Devos" but not that not even any "that sucks, I'm sorry". Its like sometimes she doesn't want me around, fine but fucking tell me that. My dad and I just went to Lord of the Rings, I fought back tears on the ride there. Why does everyone always have to let me down? EVERYONE does it. And you know what, they don't care that they do or maybe they don't even realize they do. I'm much more sensitive then I let on. Which is why I think it shocks people when I cry. But its not like I don't have feelings which is how some people treat me.
Today was even worse my dad freaked out on my brother (IMO he deserved it) but Khyle was being a total dink talking back and shit. If he doesn't like dad yelling at him he should move out which he claims he'll be doing Thursday which is pointless because my dad wants to move away from my mom and brother. He really wants to buy my mom out of the house but I don't think she'll have it. Its really scarey. I know all along I've been saying I want it to happen and I still do, I'd love to live in town but I love this house and I love my mom even though she is a selfish bitch. Like my dad says she is the one that cheated on him but makes herself the victim. She came home to make sure I was okay today but I don't think she came home for me she came home to make a point against my father. Well maybe a little of both. I need someone to talk to but I can't get ahold of Jess and I don't think she would understand anyway. She says she cares but because of the way I am I doubt everyone and everything. I think I'll just give up on friends, I'll never find anyone who will truely care about me. I was also thinking of giving up on my appearence. I'll stop wearing make up and just wear my brothers clothes to school because they are comfy. Nobody could possibly like me. The whole Devon thing was prolly fabricated as well. Nothing is happening there and she tried the same thing in the summer. I hate doubting people but it comes from spending so much time alone.
I actually got my homework done, in both subjects but its the start of the new semester so of course I did. I also don't want to turn out like my brother. Sure he has lots of friends and a job... wait he is doing okay but he is an alcoholic, most of Owen Sound is anyway. My dads birthday is coming up and we were talking about going to London and to some fun place. I wish I had money I would get the old man something.
How come I have to struggle through this life, for once can't things be going well? I never get a break it will be fine for oh.. about a day and then its all down hill in every area of my life. Friends, family, love and school.
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Saturday, February 9th, 2002

Time:12:06 am.
Mood: blah.
I was just watching Scarface down at Jess' house, she had to stay in so I went a joined her. The part I hate is driving home in the dark by myself, I lock the doors and turn on the radio. I'm going out tomorrow with her for sure. I wouldn't even care if it was just us I love just chilling with her I just don't like being stuck at my house all the time. But now I have a huge tv, cool cool. I guess I'm tired and there is alot on my mind.. but it seems to have gone away so I'm just going to say.
Today was a bad day besides the fact that Fubar, one of my brothers friends showed up at school and he saw me and whistled and waved. It was so cute... he whistled because of the skirt but still he did. I was so happy, I'd just like about it and smile. I guess it made me happy because I liked him at one point and I think I do again which is bad. Same with Matt being in my classes I just need to be near him as little as possible to stop liking him then I can just concentrate my efforts on Devon whom I also like. Gah. We were talking about looks (Jess and I) and she said Matt was the most attractive out of all the friends. I felt like saying "hell ya" but I just nodded in agreement. Unless she never asked about me he doesn't like me, I need to get that through my head. But I can't help it.
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Wednesday, February 6th, 2002

Subject:Well hats off to your mother for marrying her brother...
Time:10:33 pm.
Mood: happy.
That was on Sabrina tonight Jess and I laughed really hard, now all I need is the perfect time to say it someone. I told Jess about all my ideas for Comm Tech that class will be so much fun.. well with one exception. If you have been reading the one person who I didn't want in my class, Matt is actually in my first two. Burn. I was bored in the morning since I was dropped off an hour early and I saw all these papers on the wall the papers tell you what your first class is just in case you need to know so I went to see what his class was so there would be no surprizes and he was in it, I was crying and laughing at the same time. Laughing at my dumb luck. Ggggrrrrrr
I got my tooth fixed and it looks awesome you would never be able to tell and I'm so happy over it, it just makes me feel so happy. My smile looks alot better now though people claimed they couldn't see it. Then once I got home I called Jess and she wanted to do something so I drove down to get her. I love driving!! I really wish I didn't wait so long to get my G1. I need to talk to Patrick I want that ID before March 10 because there is another rave coming up and its at a bar so I want to be able to drink or at least go into that section if I want too. Jess and I are going to get a 26er for Friday after we go to this job fair thing for Home Depot... I'm just very happy. I have a best friend, I can drive, I have my tooth fixed, my classes are okay.......... I guess I'm just missing someone to love me.. well I don't need love LOVE but just someone who cares, someone who is a guy, someone to hug. Hug... think about that word for a minute... same with fork. Weird words and no I'm not high.
Think about "fear is the mind killer" I can't get that out of my head. It is so true. Where do people come up with stuff like that? The author Frank Herburt was very intune with something. Anyway I suppose I should go to bed, I'm riding the bus since I don't want to be an hour early for school.
Don't fear, fear is the mind killer :P ^________^
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Tuesday, February 5th, 2002

Subject:I must not fear..... fear is the mind killer.
Time:7:05 pm.
Mood: embarrassed.
So true, its from Dune. I watched the movie today that and Bless the Child. Both are really good! I haven't written in awhile I guess I just never log on enough, I'm mostly playing "The Sims" and I didn't have anything huge to complain about but now I do so its a good time to write something down. On Firday Jess and I joined up with the guys (her boyfriend and his friends, her friends too) and we went out to this party. Jess has been trying to hook me up with Devon and I do like him but I still like Matt... well I hate him now. And I hate him because he is dumb and playing games with me or at least it seems like he is. Maybe I read to much into things but I just can't trust alot of people. I have a very colorful history that would cause that. So anyway the thing to make me hate him was... at the party I would be standing talking with a bunch of the guys and he would pretty much walk right in front of me and butt me out of the circle. I dunno why but it makes me embarrassed to say it. Candace and Lindsay (both called me today) could tell you that because it took me a minute to find the words on how to say and just to say it. Well it is rude of him, like come on how childish is that? Does he really hate me that much but he'll look at me when I talk. Because he does this I try to do it back and the war never ends but I'm not the type of person to hurt myself bending over backwards trying to please someone if the case looks hopeless. I hope he doesn't hate me to much because he is going to have to live with me because I'm going after the oh so sweet and kind Devon. So shove it.
I need a job really REALLY bad I mean its getting so drastic now but the new Home Depot in town is having a job fair and hiring alot of people so I'm going to try for that on Thursday I don't care how long it takes me to get an interview or whatever I'm going. I mean I waited for like 2 hours at Timmies to get the job I didn't even keep for more than two days. I'm pathetic. New semester starts tomorrow and I'm actually kind of nervous about it now. I don't want Matt in any of my classes, I hope Devon is in one of them though. Doesn't sound like he will be though. Matt is actually smart to so he'll be in all those smart math and science classes unlike me.
Also tomorrow its Candace's first day at our school and I get my tooth fixed. I have a small chip from a beer bottle. See I was talking to one of my brothers friends and I was taking a drink and he was like "give me 5" (I think) and he hit my hand up into the one with the bottle in it. And WHAM ... well not that big because its not a big chip. Oh and speaking of teeth, we have a new dentist and he says I only have one cavitiy which is funny since I had three filled at my old dentist. Hmmmmmm interesting.
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Tuesday, January 29th, 2002

Subject:I'd be Lulu
Time:6:24 pm.
Mood: sad.
You're Lulu. You seem a little insensitive to those who don't know you very well, due to your cynical nature. Your mind is always thinking of things, big and small. You have a tough time of letting go of the past. You also like to bash people with plushies for fun and then fry them up with some tasty magic~! XD
Which Final Fantasy X Character would YOU be? Take the test.

I just took this test, I orginially got Rikku but Lulu sounds more like me, alot more like me. Cold hearted to people I don't know, yup totally me. Which is maybe why I don't make many friends meh.

So whats new in the world o' me? Nothing to big. I have this horrible.. I'm not even going to go into detail but it hurts so much. I saw Devon today.. I wish his gayass would just call me. Yeesh. I decided I do like him and I wouldn't mind hooking up with him since stupid Matt is well.. stupid Matt. I went over to Lindsays for a bit since the exam ended at 2:45 and I didn't want to stick around till 3:30 so I went with her and would catch my bus at Keppel. It only took 20 minutes to get home because no one was on (exams) and he is a speed demon. We ride in a half bus and we pass people. WE PASS PEOPLE? How would you feel being passed by a little bus? LOL its actually pretty funny.

Gah, I'm so mad now. My dad loves to ruin my night doesn't he? He came in a pretty much called me stupid. Why can't he just flat out call me stupid. He asked about my exam and bitched about what I should have done. I don't think I could have reread 7 books to review. Like WTF? And it doesn't help me now to tell me I could have written my own notes way back when I read them. I knew that but I didn't say that.. I just let him bitch. I get it over faster that way.

I'm talking to Kent.. why does he still talk to me? I was such a bitch? I won't say that I don't think he is still hot but I don't like him unlike Candace. I suppose it does bug me that he calls her.. and that she tried to make me look bad. LIKE OMG. She told me when they were talking that I noticed his orange vest and that just she thought it looked good. I mean I didn't think it looked good but she didn't need to say it like that. Got... tooo... stop.. speaking.. ill of her. WOO!! I just downloaded some new songs. I know I said I hated Moola Moola but it is catchy but I won't take it back that I think he is a fag. MWHAHAHAHAHA
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Tuesday, January 22nd, 2002

Subject:Why is it that?
Time:11:12 am.
Mood: nervous.
Okay so I always go and read this girls diary, she is actually my friend but I can't stand her anymore (big surprize there, like Sherri said "you never like anyone you hang out with") her thoughts are so... frustrating... I hate her. She whines, complains, pittys herself, compliments herself, says she is funny when all her humour is stolen from people like ME!! And that pisses me off, when I say funny shit I love getting laughs and I don't mind if someone shares my sayings.. in moderation. She over uses them and then I don't like them anymore. I complain sometimes but believe me never as much as this girl. Her thoughts are worries they are just plain whinning. And she is so selfish, I have done her so many favors and she can't even get my a fucking poster. She has gone out to lunch with me and shit and even drove me home, I appreciated it alot because I live out in the boonies but I also bought her lunch that day to make her. Anyway my mom is home and I'm going driving today so I'm nervous.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, January 21st, 2002

Subject:You got it bad.
Time:6:48 pm.
Mood: content.
I forgive people to easily but I don't trust them. Jess asked me where I was Saturday which I found funny because of the whole Merv thing and when I told her about what he said she was like "I did?". Why can't I trust? I hate thinking the worst but I can't help it. I think I've seen to many teeny bop movies where the nerd gets hurt or whatever. I was picking out some clothes but I realized I can't wear them because I'm going driving tomorrow. OMG driving. I'm so nervous, I really hope I'm a natural and all those dreams where I'm the worst driver aren't true. In every dream where I drive I go off the road and I'm all over the place and cars come at me but I never crash or anything. I drove in a straight line once, woo what an accomplishment. Something to be really proud of. I think I'm getting fatter, I don't even know how that is possible I have been eating right, and working out too. Fuck. I'm going to watch Buffy so this is short.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, January 20th, 2002

Subject:The kindness of others..
Time:5:25 pm.
Mood: annoyed.
This weekend was not bad, Candace ended up coming over after all and we went to the movies with Kent. It wasn't so bad, well after was because all she could talk about was how he kept looking at her. This shouldn't bug me I'm over him, I think he is still good looking but I'm over him right? It could also be that I like attention and being looked at. I called Jess' cellphone to see where she was and maybe we could go see her instead of going to the movies but Tyler answered and said he had the phone and didn't know where she was. Yah right, whatever. That made me feel shitty but I got over it, until we went to the movies and Merv was like "why aren't you at Jess' party" I said "what party? I guess I'm not there because I wasn't invited". I felt like crying and through the whole movie I had this strong urge to be sick. I'm going to call her later and call her on her shit. I'm not her friend when she is stuck at home. I'm her friend for all times or no times at all. Does she not like taking me out? Her and I never party, I don't get it.
Anyway we saw "Ocean's 11" it was a cute movie, alot of hotties in it. Brad Pitt, Casey Affleck and Scott Caan. MmmMmm. We drove home and then we just watched some SNL before we went to bed. Candace was here until alittle while ago, she didn't want to leave, well she didn't want to go to her parent's friends house but in the end she had to go anyway. Poor her. I hate sitting at a parent's friends house. Its so boring, unless I can get myself in on that conversation and make them laugh. My dad and I share the same "sick" (as some like to say) humour so if they find him funny they find me funny.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, January 16th, 2002

Subject:Love is not a victory march.
Time:6:32 pm.
Mood: frustrated.
I always say, I don't believe in love. But this is because I don't have it in my life, I shape my views to match my doubts. I don't think a guy would ever want to be in a relationship with me so I go and say "I fear commitment", I'd hate if I got emotionally attached to someone so I say "I don't want an emotional relationship". But I don't think I'm ready physically, I think I am sometimes and then I think I'm not. So I feel sorry for the guy who thinks I'm great and starts going out with me thinking he'll get this great physical no emotions thing. But the things I don't lie about are, I don't like the phone so I wouldn't want a guy to call me everynight and I don't need to hang out with him all the time. And because I don't have any friends he wouldn't have to hang around them, I would be with him and his friends. Why can't a guy just like me? Ask me out. Am I only able to have a two week relationship every 5 years? I know I'm only 17 and I've only had offically 2 boyfriends and then there is Curt, the guy I saw in the summer. They always end the same way too, I think I don't like them anymore and it ends.
Everyone frustrates me. Well except for Jess and Tina. I can't believe that Candace's name isn't there. I dunno why she is bugging me but she just is. Set me free, release me from all of this. Why can't I just move on from things? I was riding home on the bus tonight and I thought of ... surprize surprize my party. I can't help it, he was my best kisser ever. Not saying I've kissed alot of guys, kissed my fair share and alot of losers. But everything was just right, it felt right I felt.. good. I just can't believe that nothing has come of it. But like as the song goes "love stinks", not that it was love. The only time I've come close to that was this guy named Derek. God, I wish I could feel that again.. I couldn't eat, I would cry for no reason. Happy crying.. sad crying. To bad I'll never see him again. But what I was saying in that song he goes "she loves him and he loves her and she loves some other guy, you just can't win" so true in the case of me.
I had this dream lastnight where I was in the library and the only thing I really remember is always thinking my bag was stolen and I would freak right out. It was a horrible feeling. Why am I feeling so shitty lately. The pimple is not looking any better but the cold sore is looking okay. I need to get a job, I need to do something and make money doing it. I can't stand living here anymore with my brother who never does anything. Fine, you're 19, fine you have a job that requires alot of time but that doesn't mean you can't make juice which takes two seconds and it doesn't mean you can't get off your lazy ass and get bread from the freezer downstairs. Oh no! Not down the stairs because you know its just a difficult task to do. FUCK!! I can't live like this anymore. Not with him, or my parents. My dad loves my mom he doesn't, loves her then doesn't. Its been like that since the summer. Since we found out she cheated on him. I now hate that word, it would make me hate anyone. My old boyfriend Kent.. he cheated on Candace.. so I never really liked him was just glad to be out doing something. Fubar told me that his stepdad cheated on his mom, it made me cry. You say it and I'll scowl. The thing is my mother tells me she isn't in love with my father thoughs he loves him very much. He tells her to leave and she will but then he decides he loves her and doesn't want her out and the whole thing starts all over again. She told me she wants to leave but he won't let her. Sometimes I hate her, I want her to leave and sometimes I hate him and want to leave with her.
I'm a failure. I'm not good at anything, I have no will power. I'm stupid in school, I can't believe my mark went from a 82 to a 69 thats not possible. That can't be my mark. And Selena's can't go from a 63 to an 79 she must have my mark. I know I missed a couple of days maybe like 3 which is 30 marks... maybe it is and I'm just so dumb. That really crushed me, I was so glad Tina wanted to go out to lunch with me and bought me something. I need to get a job to take her out to lunch some day and stop having her pay for me.
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Tuesday, January 15th, 2002

Subject:No reaction without action.
Time:1:38 pm.
Mood: stressed.
Lately I have just been feeling very weird. I have been having thoughts of being a vampire, maybe they are fantasies. So I decided since I loved Willow as a vampire and since I felt like this my new journal theme would be her. I got a picture, its not the best but I didn't feel like looking all over for one. I'll get a better one later. Plus I'm playing with the colors, so if it looks like shit... well who cares nobody ever reads my journals. And finally I don't care, I write this for me not for other. Tis cool if you read and leave me messages (I like messages) maybe you can offer me advice and leave me encouraging messages, I need those.
I stayed home today, I just didn't feel like going to school. I have a big, ugly, red zit on my forehead and a cold sore resting by my lip so I am your poster girl for teenage hell. The cold sore came from stress and fighting with my mom the other night didn't help at all but its good now. She is going to buy me the Buffy 1st Season boxset on DVD today when she goes into her appointment. I can't help but think with my luck they are all going to be sold out by the time she gets there. When Jess and I went to buy The Fast and the Furious everywhere was pretty much sold out but we got the last of a few copies at the east side Blockbuster.
Speaking of Blockbuster, I need a job. I have so much stuff I want to buy, that I need to buy. I need clothes, sock, underwear and all that crap. I want to buy DVDs and other junk. Nobody will hire me or I'm not what they need. It sucks. I dropped off a few here and there that weren't hiring and the places I went that were either never call me back or I'm not old enough or I still go to school so I can't work the hours they want. Fuck off. Seriously.
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